Im at strip club and am horny
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
