You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize