listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
