I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
