haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
