Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
