I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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