someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
