I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What a dumb baby whore.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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