i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He shit in the fireplace
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize