3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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