I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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