think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
