Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
