i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
