I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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