I just threw up on my dentist
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
