sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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