'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
