Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
