I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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