If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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