if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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