dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
