We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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