remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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