It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
