Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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