life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
