last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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