You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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