One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
