My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
