I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize