just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sarcasm needs its own font
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
