Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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