I am midnight drunk by noon
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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