I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
