I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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