i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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