singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
