"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
