He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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