What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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