Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
