Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week š
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Also Iām on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and youāre my everything and Iām getting drunk.
Dude, he turned on āLondon Bridgeā by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
