I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
