I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
