You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
