So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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