We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
