I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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