had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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