I got chris browned last night
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
