I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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