I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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