I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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