Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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