i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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