I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
