My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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