dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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