I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
