i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
