Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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