I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
